Giving, and not selfishness, is our most fundamental motive. Selfishness is a century old idea that hardly touches on the way we live. Giving explains far better why we do what we do, everyday of the week.
The best way to understand giving as our most fundamental motive is by examining what the costs and benefits are. As it appears selfishness harms the self. In contrast, giving benefits. How is this possible?
In specific circumstances of threats to our personal life, fight-or-flight is our best – and selfish – option. In these days of the virus this assumption must be questioned.
Many so-called frontline workers sacrificed their lives for others. In disregard of personal risks medics, policemen and firefighters took it upon themselves to fight the pandemic.
This proves to us that our longevity, our survival, depends on our courage and our capacity to care for each other. To fight for others with courage and our best abilities is our only option.
The laws of social life: why giving is our most fundamental motive
Of course, all the above considerations do not explain how our survival (selfish or not) relates to crucial other developments on this planet. Yet, for now, I emphasize the conclusion that selfishness harms us and I want to explain why this is possible.
I do this by referring to the 6 crucial laws that govern our everyday social life. These laws are meant to guide us through the periods that we doubt our fellow human beings. Such doubts are not very productive. And they will harm you.
The law of everyday giving
Everyday giving has a range of benefits. If we help someone our psychological wellbeing, our physical health, and our relations with others, they all improve. To help someone boosts our self-esteem, our feelings of happiness, enhances our self-control, and reduces the symptoms of depression.
What is everyday giving? These are the most simple tasks we perform each day for someone else. Such as cooking, cleaning the house, shopping, and gardening. For many people earning a living for the family and to help out friends when they move to a new place, we also consider modes of everyday giving. In fact our list of social help activities seems endless.
The law of suffering and coping
The benefits of giving can be outweighed by threats to our personal health and wellbeing. Take for instance Hannie. During the last 20 years of the life of her father and mother she took care of them all alone. This was a burden because her father and mother, gradually more and more, suffered from dementia. Besides, she also had to keep her business up and running.
That her sister and brother never took any interest in her parents during all these years, never bothered Hannie. However, she got a lot of sorrow out of the fact that this neglect emotionally broke both her parents.
That Hannie was able to cope with the suffering of her parents is mainly due to the professional help she organized for them during the last years of their respective lives.
The law of taking and receiving
If we help someone this means that someone else accepts and receives our help. This can be a burden. To take and receive help can be a burden because this can cause feelings of inferiority, dependence, and a lack of competence, on the taking/receiving person.
Moreover, even the suggestion that we are a burden to others can overwhelm us. Such feelings can have sever counterproductive effects, such as loneliness, isolation and social disconnection.
The law of adaptive connectivity
Our ability to adapt to changes in everyday life, is crucial for our personal as well as our collective survival. This is the central idea of Darwin’s evolution theory.
However, in good conscious we have outsourced many of our adaptive responsibilities to social systems such as our family, our neighborhood, our community, our schools, our healthcare system, our society more in general and our culture.
This outsourcing of course complicates our personal abilities to adapt to changes. We heavily depend on the efficacy of the systems to guide us through the adaptation process required by the everyday changes that confront us. Fortunately, most of these systems are totally focused on individual concerns. Besides, there is always the law of large numbers.
The law of large numbers
Everyday we perform actions for which our individual costs outweigh our individual benefits. We pay taxes, demonstrate or vote. These costly actions contribute to the collective benefits when many people participate. However, such actions are meaningless when only performed by one person.
This costly individual behavior is explained by our need to belong, to be well regarded by others, and to see ourselves as contributors to relevant social groups. Probably also because many people are aware that such actions meaningfully contribute to the collective.
The law of a meaningful life
To value others and to be valued by others is the most important mechanism which contributes to the benefits of our everyday giving.
Of course, to be able to feel connected to others, we have to construct mutually supportive systems (the law of adaptive connectivity). Good relationships don’t fall from the sky.
To build such relationships constitutes for the most of us the meaningfulness of life. This also is the key to the answer why giving is our most fundamental motive.
Did you ever feel overwhelmed by the offer of help from somebody? Let us know in the comment box below.